Two of my Favorite Things

Over the last century, hundreds of invaluable inventions were created, many of which have changed our culture and our way of life. Take the cell phone, for example. What would we do without them? When was the last time you saw a phone booth? How about a GPS system? And what about the Internet? How did we ever survive without these inventions?

Unfortunately, not all inventions have improved our lives. In fact, there are two in particular that never should have been invented.

Number One on my hit list is anti-theft alarms for cars. Now I can understand a kill switch that disables the car’s ignition system and makes it virtually impossible to start the car. However, has a blaring horn ever done anything but annoy the shit out of people within earshot? No one pays attention to these irritating alarms. And if I saw someone standing next to a car with its horn going whacko, I’d assume he or she was the owner and they couldn’t figure out how to turn the damn thing off. I don’t think a car alarm has ever actually stopped a would-be thief.

Running a close second to the world’s stupidest inventions are leaf blowers. Who is the moron that invented this ridiculous device? Think about it for a minute. A leaf blower allows you to blow leaves, twigs, litter, and anything else in its path onto someone else’s property, or in some cases in the street. Whatever happened to brooms and shovels? Why would anyone want to blow their shit onto a neighbor’s property? On top of the foolishness of this invention, I especially like when a neighbor fires up their leaf blower at seven a.m. on a Sunday morning.

I think that all stupid inventions should be placed on a space shuttle and sent to the moon. On second thought, why litter the moon? Instead, when we hear a car alarm blaring, and someone is actually trying to steal a car, we should help the thief. Then we won’t ever have to hear that particular alarm again. And for anyone using a leaf blower, his or her neighbors should be allowed to empty their trash on the leaf-blower-owner’s front steps—especially leftover Chinese food. That should solve the problem.


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